on turning thirty

I used to escape to Lake Geneva quite a bit. For a few years it became my go-to when I needed to be alone to think (or stop thinking) and slow my breath to a more human rhythm. I don’t know about you, but there is a kind of frenetic arrhythmia scoring a bewildering soundtrack to just about every scene of life these days, and it’s hard to silence.

Lake Geneva was already a drive, and then I moved. And with it, my hallowed hideaway was pushed just out of reach. I’ve only been back once in nearly two years.

Somewhere along the way I decided I really wanted to meet my next decade at dawn, at the lake. I’m not sure why. Even up to Friday night, I didn’t know if I’d make it to Wisconsin so early. Sunrise is less lovely when you have to leave at 5:30 am to greet it.

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I understand why some people have anxiety about significant birthdays. Truth be told, I’m not always immune. But outshining my often lengthy (and stupid) list of personal deficiencies and failed accomplishments is a different list, a running record of the sweet and hard and quirky history I share with so many and they share with me. This transcript is the real account of my life, one that can never be erased. It is lasting evidence etched in my heart that the light always comes. I’m not sure I knew that ten years ago.

This maybe sounds pretentious, but I am honestly so grateful to be so grateful, not because I have the market cornered on thankfulness but because I remember so well when I wasn’t and who I was then. We can’t control every situation in our lives, and painfully, sometimes not the most important ones. Yet, we can decide who we are in those moments. And that is its own kind of light.

It was close, but I did make it to the lake yesterday. I think I just needed to wait in the dark and watch a new decade rise in my sky. And now, no matter what comes, these years are already marked with light.

Thirty, it’s so nice to meet you. I’m really thankful you’re here. ✨

#herestothirty #thesuncomesup #lettherebelight